Rain

“I’m sorry.”



I’m sorry. Such a simple sentence but with so many meanings and so simple to turn up emotions. Heartfelt apologies to admit to the mistakes you have made, a sentence showing your empathy with another person who is in a bad situation, a goodbye.. In all my years there are simple sentences like these, yet two pop out. I’m sorry and… I love you. Sadly, for what I have seen, these two generally go hand in hand.



“It is raining.” Perhaps idiotic of me to say, off course it is raining, the raindrops falling onto my skin, sliding down each line, each scar before dripping on the ground that I am laying on. The soft sizzling sounds surrounding me as nature and my flames fight, my flames fighting an ever losing battle it seems.  I turn my head and feel the wet ground touching my cheek, the sticky mud and water of a evergrowing puddle embracing the dead skin, yet skin in which I may still feel. I do not care and merely watch the purple flame that is currently shooting out of my shoulder. The flames that are dancing in the rain..Yet it is tiring, waning, moving slower and slower yet never stopping. It is beautiful and sad at the same time.



“I feel tired.” It is a part of life this…Some would say get over it and move on. For me..It is not that easy.  Perhaps I am too dramatic but for 50 years I have closed my heart. She made me close it, toyed with my heart and my loneliness, manipulating me to such a state I was willing to throw my existence away from her. I came to my senses off course, less I would not be here. Yet that event, that woman, that event, those years have placed a deep imprint on me. A dark abyss protected with many obsidian walls, a fortress of will, pain and sorrow. A fortress to protect myself. For 50 years I have maintained that fortress and yet..These past months, this past year it has been broken brick by brick, stone by stone until merely my heart stayed over.



“It was foolish to fall in love.” Is it not better to say, better loved once than never? Yet I have loved trice and trice it did not work out, for me. Someone that is dead, someone that is out of this world. Is love truly meant to be? I would die far..Far after my loved one dies. It is the curse and blessing of my existence. I have accepted this a long time ago, I have thought this to many ghosts under the seeing eye of my mentor. Each of them react in different ways, none of them react with acceptance. I believe I was the only one. So yet…Why does it continue to hurt?


”Perhaps..Because I thought it would be different this time. “ That I would be able to enjoy the relatively small time in my lifespan with her, to meet someone that accepted me. All of me in it’s full wretched glory. I turned alive and she stayed by me, I died and turned back into my skeleton form and yet she stayed by me. I have changed my shape, my body, the very totem in which my soul is bound on permanently and she still stayed by me. I thought it would be different this time. I thought I could entrust her with my heart and cherish the time we had together. I thought I would be able to see her grow old, grow old together and finally bury her with no regrets.


”But was I not right?” No I was right, I was right in trusting myself with her, for she is magnificent. A kind person through and through…Yet different paths in life throw wedges in what may, what could be happiness. We went our separate ways and now I am here. Alone. Once again. “I am tired.” I realize that I already have said this, many times before even. There is not a single soul around to hear me say this, my deserted farm stays as dead as my body and Natalie, my pet is sleeping inside her bed, with the warmth. Yet I could not stay there, even though we have merely been together for a short time memories fly after my eyelids and her scent penetrate my nose whenever I let down my guard.


I am tired, it is not the end of the world and I will most certainly not give up my existence because of this. But perhaps trying once again…Trying to open my heart, my soul, my worries, my dreams and my wishes for the future with another person..Would not happen so easily. Trice I have failed. For I know it is not them that is at fault but me. This wretched existence of mine that suffocated the living, that grow fear into their heart.


I close my eyes and let out a sign and once more turn my head skywards, the mud sticked to my cheek, I could feel the residue there, yet I am certain that the rain would wash it away. The sky is gloomy and dark clouds fly over. I am certain that I should be focused on other things, other more important things. Yet I could not bring myself up to give any effort. I am pathetic, truly I am. But at the moment I could not care less about the state of my being.  Not for now. Tomorrow I will start anew, but for now I stay.


”It is raining.” Not only one these islands but also in my heart.