Well is this a sad journal? Not quite, perhaps for some people but hey, I figured: I have a digital journal on Da I might as well use it to write down some thoughts. Write down what's going on at this side of the screen.
As some of you might know, I haven't really been in the right spot mentally..For a long while now. Depression, clinical depression, loneliness, jealousy, fear of acting, fear of live and..The unwillingness to continue living combined with my own lack of self esteem it doesn't paint a pretty picture. I can't really say all of those are resolved but I'm working on it. Slowly but surely working on it. I still have the occasional bouts of things but I don't feel like everything isn't worth living anymore. Which is a good thing.
One of the main things that well brought up this change in me, is the acceptance that it's okay for me to feel. From my upbringing, school life..It's always been frowned upon by others for me to feel. I should be an emotionless robot, focused on doing work, his job and nothing more. I have to been seen but not heard, I have to everything right for their convenience. And one of the coping mechanisms I've developed is rationality.
I rationalized everything, every little feeling I had that might get in the way of work. I put my own wants and feelings beneath what I am doing right now, beneath the feelings and wants of others. I rationalized the words and actions of others, though they hurt me, I accepted it because they had reasons to.
It wasn't until a session with my therapist where she pointed this out and it made me think, along with her reassurance that it is indeed okay to feel and not rationalize.
I have the right to feel angry, to feel hurt, to feel upset, to feel lonely, to feel jealous, to feel used, to feel happy, I'm allowed wanting to be friends with that person but not with that one. I don't need to put these feelings down with logic, with reason. I am allowed to disregard the reasons behind someone's action, behind someone words. And just focus on that action, on how that action makes me feel. I don't have to defend their actions for themselves. I am allowed to be feel. That is not to say that I stopped rationalizing, I still do it a lot. But the acceptance that I am allowed to feel..Well it goes a long way.
And with that as well..I understood that I am not that special. Back when I was a lonely bullied child without any friends or anyone for that matter. I wished, yearned for people to accept me, to be best friends forever. I always thought the older that I became, it'll just..Come. I was wrong, well in some aspect. In my real life..Nothing really changed, it changed for the worse really. But I came on DA and I met people that I hold close to my heart.
I always thought I was well special in some ways, that he way I feel about those people is the same as they think about me. And now I realize..I was wrong. I am a guy on the internet even thought we are friends..Eventually we'll drift apart. And that's normal, it's not a fault kind of situation but just normal. I met friends through groups, I interacted with those people because of those groups. But afterwards when we aren't in those groups anymore we drifted off. I used to be jealous to people that are closer and more friendly to those that I deem special. I was like. Why not me? What happened. But now I understand that..It's the lack of common ground. As well as just me being me. Not saying that in a bad way mind you. After a while you simply stopped talking, not having rp's anymore, not having cannon thoughts about character, talking over a group, talking over other things.
It's..Just time that make people drift apart when there is nothing to bind them together anymore. When on DA, when in groups that is the binding part. Naturally some people grow closer and closer, forming an unbreakable bond that keeps going even though that one binding is gone. For others it's the way it is. Pleasantries and hello's are exchanged but further..Not really. People change over years, their interests change, the bonds they create change how they are. Their situation in life changes and that has an impact on them. It's only natural that sometimes people drift apart.
I was..Pained. Lonely, jealous because of that. Because I wanted to believe I am special, that I meant something more, that our bond was stronger. I realized and accepted that I am not. And that is fine. I am that guy on the internet, who you can talk to whenever or who talks to you whenever. But there is only so much we could do, there is only so much we have in common. And some people are different and bond closer to others. Does that mean that I am inferior? No. Not at all.
It's a somber acceptance, the realization that you are not all that special, you're the main character but a random NPC. But at the same time, I know I don't have to feel lonely, pained, jealous when I see those that are..Were important with me be so close with others. I am allowed to feel off course. I am allowed to try to make our bond stronger. But I don't have too be jealous if I don't. I don't have to feel sad when I don't. Or when it just doesn't work out as you wish it would.
Drifting apart is natural, I always know that on a rational kind of thinking, but now I know that on an emotional level as well.
It doesn't stop me wanting to wish that things were the same as before, that I could feel like before. But I know that I could still try, perhaps I am merely running away with that acceptance but who knows.
Regardless I'm in a weird spot right now, I guess you could say I'm in angst Nirvana mentally. The rational and emotional acceptance of angst haha.